Throwing some hats in the UA ring

By Staff
Leada Gore, Editor
In the midst of the talk of Christmas trees and tinsel, Playstation Threes and the latest generation of dancing Elmos, there’s a much bigger issue dominating many conversations around our state.
The University of Alabama doesn’t have a football coach and apparently doesn’t have many prospects beating down the door to take the job.
I can’t imagine why. Just think, you get to be criticized at every turn on everything from where you go to church to what you wear on the sidelines. You’re a figure much bigger than the governor, bigger than even the president. If you win, everyone loves you. If you lose, you get run out of town.
But that’s not all bad. In today’s coaching world, the best position to have is often that of ex-coach. Mike Shula left The University with a golden parachute big enough to cover him and his family for several more years. His rumored $4 million buyout is quite a bit more than the two weeks severance pay and pat on the back most dismissed employees receive.
There have been a lot of rumors floating around about Alabama’s new coach, with everyone who’s ever worn polyester coaching shorts and a whistle around their neck seeming to get a look. And that’s where I think Alabama is headed in the wrong direction. Maybe instead of someone who knows the game’s Xs and Os, we should think outside the houndstooth hat and get a complete newcomer.
Donald Rumsfield, for example. He’s losing his job as secretary of defense in the Bush administration this week. He’s perfect for the job. He’s battle tested, can withstand loads of criticism and still has a few friends with access to nuclear launch codes.
I can see the shirts now: “Got Nukes?”
Or what about Britney Spears? Sure, she knows nothing about football but I bet all the players would show up for practice each day with smiles on their faces. And, it would give her someting to do other than be photographed endless times as she exits cars with no underwear on.
And then there’s me. I do know a thing or two about football, having spent a good portion of my youth on the sidelines as my dad coached. I work well under pressure, don’t listen to sports talk radio and think people who spend endless amounts of time in football chat rooms tracking the movement of Paul Bryant Jr.’s plane are losers.
I can’t guarantee a national hampionship. I can’t even guarantee a winning season. What I can guarantee, however, is when my $4 million buyout comes, I will smile graciously and say, “Roll Tide.”