To (not my) dear old dad
By Staff
Justin Schuver, Sports Editor
Father's Day is upon us this month, and if you're like me, you're just not sure what to get your old man this year. It's too bad that I'm not the son of a famous sports figure, because it would be easy to find the perfect gift then.
To Chicago Cubs manager/babysitter Lou Piniella, a copy of "Sixty Second Anger Management" by Dr. Michael Hershorn.
To MLB pariah Barry Bonds, a brand-new hypodermic needle and some vitamins (wink, wink).
To Atlanta Falcons quarterback (for now) Michael Vick, a package of Milk-Bone dog biscuits.
To Florida bask…Orlando Mag…Florida basketball coach Billy Donovan, a waffle iron.
To Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis, a bowl victory. (This would be a good one for me, too.)
To Alabama football coach Nick Saban, a polygraph.
To Atlanta Braves infielder Chipper Jones, all the king's horses and all the king's men from the nursery rhyme "Humpty Dumpty."
To Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville, earmuffs.
To ESPN personality Chris Berman, a back-back-back-back-back-back massager.
To Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub, a competent offensive line.
To Tennessee football coach Phillip Fulmer, **insert food-related joke here**
To Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano, a punching bag (or Michael Barrett).
To former boxer George Foreman, a dozen "I <3 My Son George" coffee mugs.
To Atlanta Braves catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia, 103 Scrabble points.
To NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, the chance for just one day to have the viewership of the Stanley Cup finals equal the ratings of "Mama's Family" reruns.
To London Olympics 2012 chairman Lord Sebastian Coe, a new logo (no, really, ANYTHING would be better than the current monstrosity).
To Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz, Rogaine.
To Washington Nationals outfielder Ryan Langerhans, change-of-address cards.
To West Virginia football coach Rich Rodriguez, some milk to go along with all those cupcakes.
To Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp, a return to the time when people thought his name was a joke, rather than his ability.
To Houston Rockets center Yao Ming, a vase. (Ha Ha Ha! A Ming vase! Get it?)
To Alabama basketball coach Mark Gottfried, a state so obsessed with football that it doesn't notice his team's sub-par performance year after year. Oh, wait, he has that already.
To Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn, the chance to ban any headline that features the phrase "Mighty Quinn."
To Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, Hefty bags (Okay, this one needs some explanation. Some Penn State football players got into an off-campus fight during the offseason, and as punishment Paterno is going to make the entire team clean Beaver Stadium on the Sundays after home games. You know, after explaining the joke, it's really not that funny).
To Detroit Tigers outfielder/social scientist Gary Sheffield, laryngitis.
To anyone associated with the Kansas City Royals, a trip back in time to 1985.
To the sports fans of Buffalo, N.Y., pity. Lots and lots of pity.
And finally, to myself, a better idea for next week's column.
