Telling tales on the Bigfoot monster

By By Leada Gore, Editor
In case you missed it in the midst of the Olympic hoopla, Bigfoot is a bust.
Earlier this summer, a pair of Bigfoot hunters claimed they had discovered a carcass from one of the mythical creatures. The story of the discovery changed several times, alternating from tales of how they stumbled on the remains as they were hiking and another claiming they found a whole family of Bigfoots in the Georgia mountains. (The latter seems the most unlikely, as I’m sure some hunter would have the entire clan hanging on their Georgia mountain walls by now.)
Excited by their discovery, the men promptly sent out a press release, accompanied by a photo that can best be described as depicting something that looked like a cross between a dead cow and a gorilla suit.
This Bigfoot, they said, was one of many (apparently attending a family reunion of sorts) and was 7 feet, 7 inches tall, weighed 550 pounds and was covered in matted brownish red hair.
The two men – who just so happened to run a website that sells Bigfoot memorabilia – said they were having DNA tests performed on the creature.
And that’s when things went bad.
DNA experts said the creature’s biological makeup was part human, part opossum. Skeptics trumpeted this finding, saying the discovery was a hoax all along. I hope they are right. While a giant ape man is scary, a giant human/possum is even more frightening to me and certainly not something I want to have to scare off from my trash can on some early fall morning.
The Bigfoot discoverers said the DNA tests are wrong, obviously contaminated by a wayward possum. They are vowing to have an autopsy of the creature, hoping to prove their discovery is genuine and, just maybe, sell a few more Bigfoot items on their website.
Until that happens, though the creature is being stored in an undisclosed location, apparently in someone’s freezer, something that would also be frightening if you were unaware of this and happened to open the freezer to pull out some ice cream or something.
No matter what the results of the autopsy – and let’s be honest, do we believe they are going to find anything other than the world’s largest possum? – most people’s thoughts on the giant creature won’t be swayed.
Those who think the entire thing is a myth will continue to do so. Those who believe there are giant half ape/half humans roaming through the woods across the US will continue to do so, too.
No possum autopsies will change their beliefs either.