Sir, you doth offend me!

By Staff
Justin Schuver, Sports Editor
The Aug. 6 resolution by the National Collegiate Athletic Association to ban the use of 18 Native American mascots and nicknames in its postseason tournaments takes the phrase "priorities out of whack" to a whole new level.
In the world of college sports where minority student-athletes graduate at an abysmal rate and there are widespread allegations of big-time football programs paying athletes, the NCAA thinks that kowtowing to political correctness is the best use of its time.
"We're trying to send a message very strongly that we do not think these kinds of mascots are appropriate," NCAA president Myles Brand said.
I guess I missed it when the right to not be offended was added to the Constitution. Well, I'm going to take advantage of this, as well.
As a Catholic, I find it terribly offensive that MLB's San Diego Padres and the NCAA's Providence Friars are allowed to use such nicknames. The logo that the San Diego team uses portrays the stereotype that Catholic priests are chubby, always wear robes and have receding hairlines and in my opinion must be removed immediately!
The Wake Forest Demon Deacons is equally offensive. Deacons are holy men of God (Oops! I mean "god"), and the idea that they could be in any way demonic is a blasphemy against all good Christians (Sorry! I mean "X-ians"). I demand that Wake Forest cease the use of this divisive mascot.
And don't get me even started on the South Carolina Gamecocks. The shortened name of this team is one of the most vulgar and offensive terms known to man, and think of all the young children at those games who cheer out loud, "We love our Cocks!" This name must also go.
As a cat lover, I call for an end to all mascots associated with felines, including but not limited to the Auburn Tigers, the Pittsburgh Panthers and the Brigham Young Cougars. Rival fans of these teams are allowed to make posters including such hateful messages as "Declaw the Tigers" and "Panthers taste great." Such posters offend me greatly, and I demand that the NCAA take serious action to end these nicknames so that these aggressive puns can be stamped out.
Starting to see how ridiculous this all is?
Never mind the fact that the Florida State Seminoles have the blessing of the Tribal Council of the Seminole Nation of Florida to use the nickname. Never mind the fact members of the Chippewa Nation have told the NCAA to mind its own business when it comes to the nickname of Central Michigan University. Never mind the fact that the University of North Dakota (whose nickname is the Fighting Sioux) has a considerable population of Native American students.
As far as Myles Brand and the NCAA is concerned, they know what is best and if even one person is offended then the name will have to go.
With one exception, of course: The Emory &Henry College (Va.) Wasps.
EVEN MORE NCAA STUPIDITY:
I've started getting media guides in the mail recently, which reminded of me of another recent genius NCAA decision.
The NCAA, under the guise of trying to level the recruiting playing field, passed a measure that the length of a school's media guide may not exceed 208 pages. Schools have been forced to excise history, biographical information and other informative content that was useful to both media and fans alike, just so little Northeastern South Dakota State won't get its feelings hurt because its media guide is 80 pages long and Texas's is 500 pages long.
This decision is completely devoid of common sense. What's next, NCAA? Setting a restriction on the seating capacity at stadiums? Requiring that television stop broadcasting Division I football games because it's an unfair advantage over smaller schools?
This whole thing reeks of soccer moms who don't bother keeping scores at games because they want all the children to think they are winners. I can understand that sort of thing when a kid is four years old, but it's rather ridiculous when we're talking about college students.
I wonder if the day is not too far off when the Alabama Purple Fluffy Kitty Cats and the Auburn Cute Little Whimpering Puppies play to a 0-0 tie in which every player is named the Most Valuable Player and Alabama and Auburn are named co-national champions along with every other team in the country.
The NCAA has told its member schools to lighten the weight of their media guides. In my opinion, the NCAA itself could lighten up.
Or it could just go away entirely.